Me, Myself and Mary
by Andy Wong Fey Hong
Summary: LOL, the title should speak for itself. My first oneshot and probably a crackshot. Complete for now, but if you all like it, I'll extend it to a series of oneshots. Thanks to Marvelgirl09 for providing the inspiration and stiring my muse. Rate T for lang.


**Gundam 00 ****Author's note**

Well, here it goes. As of the time I'm writing this note, I have real idea what I'm going to do for my first Gundam fic, so it'll likely be a oneshot. Dedicated to a straight pairing, I detest yaoi, male or female. Too many idiotic crack fictions over here without decent storylines. If you wanna make a slash, at least make a good storyline.

Me, Myself and Mary

In the darkness of space floated a large piece of orange wreckage that used to be the mighty mobile suit known as Gundam Arios. Nobody would recognize it as a Gundam now that it was damaged almost beyond repair. Alone in the cold vacuum of space, anyone who was stuck in the wreckage even if he/she wasn't claustrophobic, would surely be terrified at the prospect of running out of air or not being found and rescued, lost in the infinite realm of space.

For this particular person however, he was never alone. Or rather, his stowaway had awakened very recently much to his relief and chagrin. But now he simply refused to go away and shut up.

"FARK! FARK! FAAAAAARKKK!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! DEFEATED BY A FAGGOT! ARRGGGGHHHH! COME ON YOU STUPID WIMP, MOVE!"

Now normally the main tenant of a certain super soldier would be arguing with the stowaway to keep him quiet less he actually take control of his body and became for all purposes, a human monster. However, said monster had been lying asleep for years now and when he finally came out, he actually did some good instead of his usual sadistic playing.

So for once, Alleluiah with a heavy sigh, chose to say nothing and let his other half rant.

"GOD DAMN FARKING FAGGONATORS! WHERE THE HELL IS HE! I'LL MAKE HIM WISH HE WAS REALLY A BITCH ONCE I GET MY HANDS UP HIS….."

Alleluiah winced as Halleuiah's vulgar rants increased exponentially. Still, he was going to let Hallehuiah do as he please but he began to feel a very familiar and loved presence in his mind. He began to panic, and began to asset control again.

"Halleluiah, enough of this nonsense. Setsuna will take care of the innovator so keep it down! You've already taken one down plus God knows how many of those suicide machines!"

"THEY WERE ALL SMALL FRY! EVEN YOU WITH YOUR PANTIES KNOTTED COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM DOWN! THAT BASTARD WHO TOOK US DOWN?! NOW HE WAS REAL PREY, SOMEONE EVEN YOU WANT TO SCREW IN THE ASS UNTIL HE BLEEDS TO DEATH!"

"Halleluiah, we're going to be rescued soon. Be quiet before they decide to lock us up just because of you!"

"HAH! WHAT DO I CARE, LIKE THEY COULD DO ANYTHING TO ME WITH YOU'RE STILL INSIDE WITH ME!" the sadistic personality scoffed. Then in a surprisingly soft but no less sadistic voice, "Besides, I'm sure Marie would prefer me to a pansy like you. I'll make her wild and know pleasure in so many places that you do NOT know, she'll be begging me to push YOU back into our head permanently."

"Don't talk about Marie like that! Don't you even dare take over when I'm with Marie!" Alleluiah suddenly became enraged. Come to think of it, he had never exactly forgiven Halleluiah for not telling him that he had been fighting Marie all along when she was still Soma Peries. "You sadistic pervert, don't even think of it!"

"Oh yeah? And what is baby Alleluiah going to do if I don't? Besides, YOU will be feeling the same pleasure as well. You get to see your Mary in all her glory. Think about it, it'll be a threesome with two bodies!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE……" for the first time in sometime, Alleluiah went into fisticuffs with his other half, to Halleluiah's own shock. Outwardly, it seemed like Alleluiah was screaming his head off as he clutched his head. Inside his own mind however, Alleluiah was beating the shit out of Halleluiah. The sadistic half was only struggling half heartedly as he was morbidly fascinated that Allelluiah could actually be pushed to be so violent as to try wring his sadistic half's neck while repeated slamming it into an imaginary wall.

"DON'T….." Halleluiah felt his skull cracking.

"YOU………" He could feel his brains oozing out of his ears.

" EVER ……" His fingernails were being ripped off….. how in the world did Alleluiah get an idea like that, Halleluiah wondered.

"FUCK……………" needless to say, if Halleluiah had his own body, he could never have children given that the relevant organs were now ripped from his body in Alleluiah's hands.

"WITH …………" Halleluiah wouldn't be speaking anytime soon due to his tongue being pulled and nailed to the wall.

"MY…………." Whatever the number of bones a human body had, Halleluiah now had twice the amount.

"MARY!" Alleluiah roared as he prepared his final fatal move: a wet wily to Alleluiah's ear.

"Alleluiah?"

Alleluiah froze as his finger was about to be pushed as far as it could go into Halleluiah's accursed ears. Even with his tongue nailed to the imaginary floor, Halleluiah still managed to smirk.

"Heeeee hah, hooooohan haaaannnaaaa hheeeee hhaaaa,"****** he mouthed before their imaginary world faded and Alleluiah, instead of holding Halleluiah's head, was now holding the concerned head of Mary Parfacy.

_**(** Translation: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya )**_

"Mary?" then as if the fates decided it was not enough, he looked over his shoulder to see Sumerieagi, Feldt, Millena, Ian, Linda, Lasse, even the injured forms of Lockon and Setsuna (who was supporting the older man) all looking at him. Setsuna has a look of mild concern on his face, Lockon had his slapped his palm to his forehead, Ian had a slightly lecherous look on his face, prompting his daughter to slap him in the back with a look of disgust, the rest all had huge open mouths. Mary's face on the other hand, was blushing as red as the Taozi and Smultron mobile suits she piloted.

It appeared that during his wonderful time of bonding with his sadistic half, Arios has been rescued and was now in the Ptolemaios.

He wanted to scream but decided he had already been psychotic enough for one day. _'Oh well, at least Tieria isn't here to make his corny jokes,' _he thought to himself.

The only functional HUD screen on his left suddenly blinked and showed the digital image of the debatably deceased Gundam Meister Tieria Erde _'Guess again, Mister Schizophrenic. And I thought Lockon was the hentai of our crew,' _he smirked as he spoke while using quantum brainwaves.

Alleluiah sighed. _'Still trying to be a comedian aren't you? Well you SUCK! Setsuna is wrong, there is a God and he is out to get me first. No way can all of this be a coincidence.'_ Then he smirked, further frightening everyone else who thought he had finally gone over the edge, including Mary.

'_Oh well, as they say, live for the moment.'_ Before anyone could stop him, he pulled the gasping Mary into the cockpit and shut the door tight. Faster than even Tieria could compute, Alleluiah had smashed his hand into the console next to him and pulled out the relevant wires that effectively sealed the two bodies in the cockpit until someone outside could cut open it. Given Exia's damaged state and the fact that Cherudim did not have beam sabers at all, only manual laser saws could be used and that would take considerable time cutting through E-Carbon armour.

Leaving the two completely alone except for the horrified look on Tieria's face. Which was prompt solved with another fist smashing into the HUD.

Mary was scared, although it was quickly replaced by concern over Alleluiah's true personality. With quick reflexes due to her super soldier training her hand quickly found the handgun that all Gundam Meisters kept in the cockpit and intended to threaten what she presumed was Halleluiah. Unfortunately, the other person was also a supersoldier and before she knew it, he had used both hands to twist her arms behind her back while simultaneously embracing their bodies tightly. Now she was face with a rather sadistic looking face.

"Halleluiah….," she said fearfully.

Then the mismatched eyes softened dramatically as did the earlier lecherous smile. "No Mary, it's Alleluiah." Then he closed the distance between their lips and Mary melted into the most tender kiss they had not had for more than four months. Needless to say, both ignored everything but each other even as the cockpit was opened up two hours later, and then continued their affections two hours after that as well.

xxxxxxxxxxx

As Lockon, Lasse and Ian rushed off to get the laser saws while the rest of the ladies were pounding on the cockpit doors screaming punishment and retribution for the trapped Gundam Meister, Setsuna calmly floated away with a small smile on his face.

'_You sure its OK to just leave those two in there. Especially with that nutcase?' _Tieria (speaking through quantum brainwaves) was surprised the Exia pilot was being so calm after bearing witness to Alleluiah's psychotic episode.

'_Who says the nutcase is in there with Mary?' _Setsuna replied. Then shutting off his link to Veda even as Tieria shouted "WHAT!" he floated to his room to get a well-deserved rest. He would have gone to the medical bay except that he had already sensed Saji and Louise doing the exact same thing as Alleluiah and Mary.

The End

LOL, I never thought I could write something as silly as this. I tend to write romantic dramas with lots of thought provoking themes and tear jerking moments. I did try to make it a little romantic at the end though. Hope you all enjoyed it and got a good laugh as well as an "awwwwwwwww" at the end. If I get enough reviews, I'll probably change this into a series of stand alone (but still connected) one shots. Thanks to Marvelgirl09 for stirring up my muse after more than a year of inactivity in writing.

Reviews are extremely appreciated. Any rants on grammar and plot points welcomed. Take care and God bless you all.


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